So I decided that after 40 years of loyal and faithful service, my drapes and curtains (whose linings are getting very torn) deserve to be retired and replaced.

I chose the material (only the best of course) and designs and a man came round and measured up and I've just had the estimate...

That's what you get for choosing only the best, JK.

My baby brother Andy (very good on DIY) predicted

40 years for the old ones,not bad:)
If as you say they'll last as long as the last ones then it's not a bad investment,especially if you consider that properly lined heavy curtains will help insulate against the cold.
Talking of hits,I'm sure you've got one or ten hidden up your sleeve! Why not do what the Alarm did a few years back? Pretend to be from a new band,get some airplay,make it climb the charts,then throw your hat into the ring. Embarress a few people into the bargain;)

I'm sure he's doing this all the time already ...

How shrewd you are DJ!!

Well I've had my curtains five years,

I suppose this is why we can't help but admire you..you can talk about decorating hassles one minute and calmly discuss your incarceration the next.

Must drive those tabloid writers barmy.