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And the winner of the Best False Accuser Oscar is... PDF Print E-mail
Friday, 08 March 2019
And the Oscar for Best False Accuser Goes To…

Wonderful news that the Academy is now going to award a Best False Accuser Oscar each year.

This gives the chance for otherwise failed actors and actresses to grab the little golden statuette. After years of suffering from rejection at auditions and minimal income, those thousands have a chance to win the biggest acting prize of all.

It’s not the first time that this important category has been suggested. Indeed, some time ago it was very nearly named the Fatty Arbuckle Award.

But the explosion of delightful performances has made it now essential.

The rules are - due to the Diversity Rule (and equal pay for less work) - all skin colours, genders, religious affiliations and physical and mental deformities are allowed.

The Falsely Accused can be alive or dead, black or white, straight or gay even, thanks to Amber Rudd and Diane Abbott, coloured.

The only rule is that nominees have to have bravely waived their anonymity and bravely waved hello to fat media cheques, as public exposure footage is required.

Such subsequent revelations as proof they are liars or even perverts themselves need not worry potential applicants. Anything that is a good story is acceptable to the media and the media naturally controls the agenda.

Advice: amateur British tricks like breaking down in tears on the Victoria Derbyshire show will probably not assist performances. Professional actors, often the victims of false accusers, are better at doing this kind of thing and may erupt dramatically on TV talk shows or break down in tears in Martha’s Vineyard, assuming they have survived any nearby vehicle accidents.

The celebrity status of the victims should not influence the Judges. Just because the headlines are bigger and the ratings greater, such publicity should not bias the verdict on the quality of the performance. Neither should the size of the profits made by the applicants. Likewise, the training (we call it grooming) of the artistes must have no impact on the decision. It may be that Hollywood based False Accusers can benefit from professional manipulation but that is, as they say, the luck of the draw. An elderly lady who had a chance encounter with a Dance DJ in a car park might have real natural ability and could conquer the finest performance by a glossy, handsome hunk brandishing jewellery.

Even dead False Accusers can be nominated - clever editing of interviews after CGI and glossy colour coding are perfectly acceptable with the Academy.

Indeed the ideal winner could be a deceased False Accuser claiming abuse by a dead star.

So roll up, roll up - And The Winner Of The Best False Accuser Oscar Is………..

 
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