I hope it's ok to post something personal here, but feel free not to post it if not.

after JK's rather moving post about his mother's passing wrote this tonight and neeed somewhere to post it, and thought this was a friendly place to do so. hope it's ok.

"I hate my mother... it's amazing how much better I feel for writing those words- I hate my mother. but i'm still up at night , a grown man unable to sleep because of what you did.

I can understand people separating, I have had relationships that ddn't work out myself, none of us are perfect.

but imagine this:

you are a little child of 6, upstairs in your bedroom one saturday morning- mummy's gone shopping- the phone rings downstairs and a couple of minutes later you are called downstairs by your dad to be told "mummy's gone- she's not coming back any more".

and that's it. gone.

no explanaton.

no. bloody.explanation.

no nothing

until I came back to the uk to find you and did over 30 years later.

it was strange meeting you at hereford station. you were smaller than I had imagined, an old lady with a crumpled photo of me as an infant in your hand.

yes we had fun chats and a nice meal or two and it was fun seeing what character traits I had inherited - but and this is a big but.....

no. fucking. apology.

a flimsy excuse of a justification, but I don't give a f*ck about that- that's between you and him, but what about me?

from one minute to the next you disappeared from a small boy's life, and as a result here I am 40 years later in a gibbering wreck in the middle of the night.

and how dare you criticise me, any aspect of my lifestyle after what you did.

a year and a half of psychotherapy has almost restored me to normal. almost.

but you need to say sorry.

or I will never speak to you again."

(thanks for listening)

Very sad David but I'm sure you've done things, both intentionally and unintentionally, that have hurt others. I know I have.

The key is - Live your life. Don't let the negative actions of others bring you down but let the positive things lift you up. After all, your mother gave you the greatest gift of all - your life. Nothing negative could compare with the positive contribution of that. She's well in the bank!

I was adopted,left alone by my mother at 6 weeks.
Found a good family,still there now to support me,even though they're in their mid 80s.

I've gone through the guilt,the anger,but it's no good,let go before it eats you up.
There must have been good people around you,dad perhaps? Other family and friends? Well give them the love and respect they deserve,don't waste your time with somebody who is no more than a DNA donation.

Nature vs Nurture,not even a contest.I met my real parents,really didn't like them,tried very hard,left it for 10 years,went back last year out of a sense of duty.Still didn't work,so time to call it quits.If it wasn't intended then don't push it as if it was.
It was a long time ago,and the past is best left for positive memories.

Time to move on,and good luck.

Forgiveness is a big thing. We dont just need to forgive people because they say sorry.

We forgive people because as JK says - we all make mistakes and we all hurt someone at some point in our life.

Life is too short to hold grudges and internalise hurt.

It is always better to forgive and move forward. There are so many questions about life which remain unanswered - and we all have to accept that we will never have the answers to every question we ask. The WHY ? question always leads to another 2 questions.

I do hope that you can come to terms with it. The advice you are getting from JK and IA is right. Move on or forgive and move on.

thank you JK, IA and BR for your comments.

(by the way, could you tell I was a little inebriated when I posted that lol)

JK what you say is very true, but it is what I had been doing for years- finding excuses for what she did- that she was a fallible human being like we all are.

What I am now allowiong myself to do after all these years is to feel anger, and it is quite a release I have to say.

IA, yes it is time to move on, but not easy.

this board is a crazy place at times,but it was a place I felt comfortable in posting this kind of thing.

cheers m'dears

Anger is normal. You can internalise it and keep it all to yourself. Or you can let it out and give it voice, as you have done. It's not a case of "moving on" really... leastways, that's the way I see it. It's a matter of coming to terms. It all takes time, sometimes even a lifetime. Your anger and your pain is apparent even to me, someone who lost touch with his own pain many years ago. My way of dealing with having my soul torn out has been to grin and build a facade of impregnable proportions. I wish I had your honesty, I wish I had your self awareness. I have my own pain, thanks. It's just that I've never really known what to do with it. Courage is a deeply personal thing. You have shown yours admirably. Take it in both hands and make the steps I'm sure would be impossible for me. And I'll stop now before I begin to be really self indulgent.

very moving actually.

I can't imagine what you went through but it must have been hard if I compare it to my relationship with my own parents.

I left home at 16 and it wasn't easy..I had a zillion ups and downs with both my parents although the bond with my mother was far stronger with my father being a rather remote business type.

In fact as I was the youngest with 3 far older brothers I was always aware I was the closest to my mother and probably her favourite though she went out of her way not to show it but that brought it's own problems..she expected much more from me.
It was only when I got much much older I really began to appreciate my parents as no matter what troubles I found myself in..whatever problems, they were always at the end of a telephone to provide support-physically and financially and emotionally in their own limited way.

I doubt I would have survived life if they weren't.

The one thing I'll always remember about my mother is that when needed she provided that support equally when needed..with 2 very straight wealthy successful brothers but who would have marriage problems and one who was in and out of courts on a life of crime..and me as the weirdo 'black sheep'.

I heard a scientist only a few weeks ago (can't remember who he was) describe his revolutionary theory of how strong that mother/child bond is because it's physical from the first moment..joined molecules and so on.

So it must be extremely hard for anyone who loses their mother one way or another..and on both sides.